SelfInduced Hell
by Moonlight Shadow4
Summary: (rated for language) One-shot. InuKag. Inuyasha's thoughts on why he won't tell Kagome how he feels.


_Disclaimer: _I don't own Inuyasha.

A/N: A quick one-shot from Inuyasha's POV. And 'hime' means 'princess' in Japanese. Houshi means monk, taijiya means demon slayer, and miko means priestess. Also note that since it's from first person, some of those 'grammatical' mistakes, are done on purpose because it is Inuyasha speaking. So, no reviews of "that past tense verb was incorrect" or I will be moved to choke someone with a controller cord. Don't make me do it. I've never had to.

Elissa, this is for you, after such a emotional rollercoaster.

_Self-Induced Hell_

I know the others wonder why the hell I don't get off my lazy ass and ride bravely into battle, my sword flashing in the sunlight, and proclaim my love to my lady fair like a chivalrous samurai to his hime.

Or, it was some equally asinine bull shit that Miroku was 'poetically' spouting off the other day like he always does. While I may not be thinker like he is, I have enough brains in my head to know that is the exact same thing Sango and Shippou are wondering about.

They probably are surprised at the amount of thinking I actually do.

…Even though I charge into battle without second thoughts…well, second thoughts that force me to stop. Unless she's around…then I have to pussyfoot around to make sure she doesn't get hurt.

But, like I said—charging into battle is one thing…declaring your love is another.

Look where love has gotten me. I was pinned to a tree for fifty years by the woman who I thought loved me and trusted me, and during the time I was imprisoned, the world changed and I was a fucking tourist attraction.

Then, I'm awoken by her reincarnation. It's not as bad, now that I think about it, but it was still pretty shitty of fate to pull something like that on me. It's always doing stuff like that to me.

I'm not even going to go into my childhood. Two words about that time: fucked up.

Next, she shatters the Shikon no Tama, the thing that I figured could have used to be changed for the better, and we are sent by that old hag to go gather the shards.

The final icing on the cake: I have to confront the person who caused Kikyou and my demise. Naraku.

So, I'm sure this seems to have nothing to do with why I won't confront Kagome about my real feelings—no matter how much I deny it, I do love her. If it weren't for Kagome, I don't think I would have actually had a life this time around.

She gave me a life, my first real life—a life that the other most important woman in my life couldn't give me. My mother, Izayoi. I think Mother would love Kagome too. Her and the old man too, since they're looking down from Nirvana. Kagome reminds of my mother—they're both kindhearted….

But, look at my fucking track record! I loved Kikyou, she loved me—I think, I'm having doubts about that these days—and then suddenly, the injured asshole Onigumo sacrifices his battered body to the demons so he can have Kikyou for himself.

Turned into the hanyou Naraku, that asshole took our forms and turned us against each other, I got pinned to the tree—blah, blah, blah. If you just ask Kaede-hag, or any of the villagers in her village, they can all tell you it by heart, like it's some kind of folk lore, and I guess it is by now. Some of those villagers were little brats no higher than my knee when Kikyou enchanted me, and have grandchildren that size now.

Anyway, everyone knows the story about how Kikyou and I died at the hands of the other—though, if you want to be fair, I was actually the only one who died at my 'love's' hands. In the fifty years I was pinned, my name got to be pretty well-known, though not always for the best reasons.

I was the one who killed Kikyou, even though that isn't true.

I am the son of the great Inu no Taisho, and half-brother to that bastard Sesshoumaru.

I am Inuyasha who seeks the Shikon no Tama.

I am a lot of things, though 'abominable half-breed' isn't something used nearly as often as it used to be. But, I guess I have Kagome to thank for that.

It's funny how a lot of things lead my thoughts back to that time traveling bitch, and I use that term affectionately right now. I am a dog demon, after all. It's like when humans call each other 'honey'. I don't exactly see people made out of solid honey—people made out of clay are totally different. It's pet name, geez.

Still, as much as I love Kagome and no matter how much I want her by my side as my lover and mate, and to start a life with her with our own pups…

I'm not scared of Kagome rejecting me.

Well, not much, anyway.

Kagome accepts me as I am. I don't know how deeply her feelings span, necessarily, but I do somehow just kind of know that she loves me. That makes no sense. My heart and head don't think alike usually.

My life makes no sense.

I travel in the company of a houshi, a taijiya, and a miko-in-training… Not normal company at all. We're pretty motley actually. And the miko is from a place so close but so far off…it's almost symbolic of our relationship. So close that I can smell it sweetly drifting on the wind, but so far that I can't turn the corner to get to it. I have to jump down a rickety well, passing through the dark tunnel before it bursts into lights within the waters of time.

Like her smile and life that makes mine complete.

I love Kagome, and it's true. I would never want her hurt for any reason, and would sacrifice my happiness for her, even if I act selfishly and go to see Kikyou, I love her.

I have a life-debt to Kikyou. Even if I wasn't the one to kill her, she did willing die to follow after me. I need to put Kikyou to rest so I can move on with Kagome without being dishonorable.

Like I said, I'm not as ignorant as everyone thinks I am.

I know Kikyou wants to drag me to Hell…

…But the thought of loving Kagome so much my heart hurts and my head spins, and not being to act upon it—I might not live to see the final battle, and be tortured for eternity, watching Kagome move on without me…fall in love and have kids with some man from her realm…while I have to endure in spirit with the realization that I never told her the truth…that I kept my feelings bottled up inside.

Kikyou's threat of taking me to Hell…heh…I kind of chuckle at it.

Hell…

I'm Inuyasha.

You know me…

I live in my own self-induced Hell.


End file.
